Sir David Attenborough.

Sir David Attenborough, the wildlife documentary maker and incredibly lovable man, is a national institution. Perhaps surprisingly, he is also the first knight of the realm I have ever written to. I feel less inclined to explain why I consider Sir David a hero than I have for previous letters, as if you have seen any of his documentary series (particularly Planet Earth and Life) you will be well aware of why I love him so; and if you have not, well then you should immediately purchase both of the above series', lock your self in a room, and stay there until you have watched both in their entirety.

Dear Sir David,

                  

Allow me to begin at the beginning, that is, by introducing myself. My name is Joe Troop, first son of Noel Fagan, and I hail from Manchester, England. I decided to write a letter to you whilst lying in bed watching Planet Earth on DVD for the thousandth time. You see David, as I lay (and watched) something occurred to me; I am in love with your voice. Truly, madly, deeply in love with your voice. I am entirely positive that I am not the first to declare my love for your dulcet tones, nor do I imagine I will be the last, but I still felt utterly compelled to inform you of as much.

However David (can I call you David?), I also write to you with a suggestion. As I stated above, I do not for second believe that I am the only soul to cherish your voice above all others. I would even go as far as saying that your voice, particularly when narrating wildlife documentaries, is the best loved in all the world. To my mind, the only challenger to your crown would be Morgan Freeman, and his credibility as a contender was shot to pieces by that ‘March of the Penguins’ nonsense.

And so my suggestion, which consists of two parts, is that from now on all wildlife documentaries must be narrated by you, and you alone. And if you don’t think them worthy of your narration, well then they don’t get made. This may come as something of a kick in the teeth to Steve Backshall, but I can’t bring myself to trust someone who is as constantly enthusiastic as he.

With your permission,  as part one of our two pronged attack, I would like to propose this idea to David Cameron. That way we can get him to introduce it as  a (legally binding) law, and let’s face it, he needs all the good publicity he can get at the minute, the useless toff!

Part two of my plan is to begin to assemble a database of recordings of your voice, much of which can be culled from your previous work. Once we have collated all the words in the English dictionary, it would mean that your voice could be used to narrate every wildlife documentary made from now until the end of time.

I am fairly sure that this is in fact doable, as I read once that they recorded John Cleese’s voice to put inside a Sat Nav. Also, I am aware that your brother is a prominent scientist from his work in the Jurassic Park, and thought that perhaps he would charge us mates rates for taking care of the technological stuff.

I eagerly await your reply, and look forward to working together on this truly exciting project.

All the best David,

Your Fan,

Joe Troop